Your Two Most Important Qualities

The science of NLP has been around for something like 50 years now. Neuro Linguistic Programming has a reputation for getting very fast results for people. Fast changes and improvements.

NLP really is a study of success, that developed itself into a science of success. In line with the trend that became 'Positive Psychology', the founders Richard Bandler and John Grinder decided to study successful people in life. What did these people do, how did they think, what was their body language? How did they adapt when they didn't get the expected results? How did they communicate, and what were they thinking when they communicated? What did they do and think when they started their day? How were they breathing when they implemented their successful strategies? All of the successful person's thoughts, actions and ways of being, down to the finest detail.

Given that this subject and its main developers have been studying success for 50 years, it should therefore be very interesting to know what they consider, in NLP, to be THE most important quality a person can have. Before reading on, I recommend that you consider this question.

Given that a person wants to be happy and/or successful, what is the most valuable quality a person could have?

Is it ......Courage? Persistence? Presentation? Verbal articulation skills? Listening skills? General communication skills? Patience? Empathy? Planning ability? Observational skills?

The quality they realized was most important for the attainment of success and happiness was FLEXIBILITY. That's right. When they began to study and model people such as successful business men and women, self-made millionaires and the like, they were fascinated to hear that within each person's story there were numerous adjustments of all kinds. People adjusted not only their business strategies, they adjusted their attitudes and even their beliefs. Having read several biographies of business people, athletes, world leaders, rock stars and the like, it is clear that they moved towards success by experimenting with ideas and strategies and then making the necessary adjustments until fame and money began to happen. These changes included:-

(1) Change in business strategies. Such as marketing, pricing.

(2) Complete changes in business direction. Moving to an entirely different business, in a different field

(3) Shifts in attitudes and shifts in beliefs.
(4) Changes in habits and daily routines.
(5) Changes in who they associated with.

And very importantly, they were willing to listen to advice. Even if that advice contradicted what they deeply believed about themselves, and about life. Many successful people take on a mentor, someone who has already succeeded in what they are trying to do. Their mentor often begins working with them by challenging everything they are doing, thinking and believing.

There is a popular saying drawn from addicition recovery literature (and wrongly attributed to Einstein) "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results".

There is also the popular expression (also wrongly attributed to Einstein) "You can't solve a problem with the same kind of thinking that created the problem."

We become habituated to what feels comfortable. We feel safe in what we know. But this same notion of safety and comfort can be what is keeping us trapped. We seem to be saying to us "Well, yes, I am suffering, but at least I am familiar with this suffering, rather than discovering new ways to suffer". But the new life you want is out there, out in the world that is outside of the walls and bars you have created for yourself.

If what you are trying to attain seems to be eluded you, you will have to GROW. In order to grow, you have to be flexible. You have to be willing to try new ideas, new routines, new friends, a new lifestyle. And yes, new beliefs.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, so we have established that flexibility is the key quality that we need. There is, however, another quality that is vitally important to you. Without developing this quality, you will not have any success in life at all. You will go on using your energy and effort and getting nowhere. You will feel that you are going around in circles. This quality actually underpins flexibility.

Good coaches know that to help anyone, they must first get that person to look, with great self-honesty, about where they are really at. You can only begin where you are. False ideas about who you are, what you are capable of, what people think about you, and so on, are not a platform for success. You cannot launch yourself from a false springboard and expect to reach the moon or the stars.

I am of course talking about SELF-AWARENESS.

You can't possibly handle a problem if you are not aware of what the problem is. You cannot move beyond obstacles if you don’t become fully aware of what those obstacles actually are.

When I did some training with Steve Jones, the successful coach and therapist based in the USA, I was surprised that his training kept leading back to this same point. Essentially, coaches and therapists are leading people to have greater self-awareness.

I have often met up with people who say "10 years ago my life was going really well, I pretty much had everything I want. But now...my life is a wreck". So I ask the obvious question "What happened?". And the common answer is "I don't know". So somewhere there, this person entered into self-defeating pre-programmed patterns from their childhood, or perhaps they just lost sight of their goals, or they got distracted, or they allowed something to become part of their diet that put them into a mild coma, or their goals were wrong to begin with, or some sociopathic clown entered their life and wrecked it, or...or...or.

Self-awareness is everything.

This is why I continually promote journalling. Even a short time a day, perhaps 10 minutes, of self-reflection, can lead to personal breakthroughs. Personally I have had some jaw-dropping moments where I realized where some of my most significant problems came from (usually from my own blindess or foolishness).

And THE key thing to know about self-awareness is this....You are human, therefore you are operating on UNCONSCIOUS needs, goals and purposes. You are operating on HIDDEN AGENDAS that are designed to keep you safe, as mentioned above. You are trying to get some needs met, and strangely enough you may not be aware of what these needs actually are. You are trying to RESOLVE all kinds of events from the past without even realizing you are doing so. (Women who become attached to aggressive, abusive men, are often trying to resolve some past trauma in their unconscious mind).

Your unconscious mind is almost certainly getting in the way of your conscious mind and tripping you up, or blocking you. The only way you are going to transcend this is to become honestly self-aware. There are various steps towards this self-awareness that you can try.

(1) Journalling
(2) Working with a coach or mentor
(3) Reading (outside of your normal reading loop- challenge yourself).
(4) Consulting with your friends, asking them what do they observe you are doing that is keeping you stuck.
(5) Working with a therapist who can help you to explore what might be happening in your unconscious mind.

I recommend you explore these two qualities....self-awareness and flexibility....and introduce them into your life as soon as possible. And enjoy the adventure as you finally begin to move towards the ideal life you have always dreamt of.